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Thread: First three chapters of a novel: The End of a Circle

  1. #1
    Apostle Master
    Join Date
    Mar 2001
    Posts
    409

    Default First three chapters of a novel: The End of a Circle

    Removing this in case it matters some day.
    Last edited by TrilianSoulwind; 09-04-2008 at 08:47 PM.
    TheAntar, TrilianSoulwind, Vage

    Now we sing this stupid song,
    Sing it as we move along.
    Why we sing it, we don't know.
    We can't make the words rhyme properly.

  2. #2
    Ascendant Transcendent
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    854

    Default

    Hey Trillian,

    I was thinking a few nights ago, while walking home, about reading your story about the young boy who called lightning... I decided to come here and peek, see if you had posted anything new. Lucky me!

    You asked for feedback, so...

    In the fourth paragraph, you wrote this:

    Her right arm shot out automatically, and the unimaginable pain returned instantly as it instinctively braced her for the fall. She cried out. A second time she forced herself to her feet…took a step…and then another. With her healthy right arm[...]
    The first line gives the impression that it is her right arm which is broken, but you later contradict yourself. (with her healthy right arm...)

    I'm really excited to (hopefully) read some more.
    Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.

  3. #3
    Apostle Master
    Join Date
    Mar 2001
    Posts
    409

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mailon
    Hey Trillian,

    I was thinking a few nights ago, while walking home, about reading your story about the young boy who called lightning... I decided to come here and peek, see if you had posted anything new. Lucky me!

    You asked for feedback, so...

    In the fourth paragraph, you wrote this:

    Her right arm shot out automatically, and the unimaginable pain returned instantly as it instinctively braced her for the fall. She cried out. A second time she forced herself to her feet…took a step…and then another. With her healthy right arm[...]
    The first line gives the impression that it is her right arm which is broken, but you later contradict yourself. (with her healthy right arm...)

    I'm really excited to (hopefully) read some more.
    Thanks man. Holy slap me for not checking this thread in ages. ^-^

    Email me I can send ya some more of this
    TheAntar, TrilianSoulwind, Vage

    Now we sing this stupid song,
    Sing it as we move along.
    Why we sing it, we don't know.
    We can't make the words rhyme properly.

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