First three chapters of a novel: The End of a Circle

[TrilianSoulwind]

Removing this in case it matters some day. :)

[Mailon]

Hey Trillian,

I was thinking a few nights ago, while walking home, about reading your story about the young boy who called lightning... I decided to come here and peek, see if you had posted anything new. Lucky me!

You asked for feedback, so...

In the fourth paragraph, you wrote this:

Her right arm shot out automatically, and the unimaginable pain returned instantly as it instinctively braced her for the fall. She cried out. A second time she forced herself to her feet…took a step…and then another. With her healthy right arm[...]

The first line gives the impression that it is her right arm which is broken, but you later contradict yourself. (with her healthy right arm...)

I'm really excited to (hopefully) read some more.

[TrilianSoulwind]

Hey Trillian,

I was thinking a few nights ago, while walking home, about reading your story about the young boy who called lightning... I decided to come here and peek, see if you had posted anything new. Lucky me!

You asked for feedback, so...

In the fourth paragraph, you wrote this:

Her right arm shot out automatically, and the unimaginable pain returned instantly as it instinctively braced her for the fall. She cried out. A second time she forced herself to her feet…took a step…and then another. With her healthy right arm[...]

The first line gives the impression that it is her right arm which is broken, but you later contradict yourself. (with her healthy right arm...)

I'm really excited to (hopefully) read some more.

Thanks man. Holy slap me for not checking this thread in ages. ^-^

Email me I can send ya some more of this :)